Batman Returns (1992)
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Directed by Tim Burton
Written by Daniel Waters & Sam Hamm
Screenplay by Daniel Waters
The big Christmas-themed Batman came out in the winter of 1992. In this one, everyone's animal theme is out and in full regalia—begging the uber-nerd question: What'll win in a fight, a bat, a cat, or a penguin? This movie sets itself to answering that with the simmering evil you can only get when you ask Christopher Walken to play an unrepentant Ebeneezer Scrooge.
A few things work well in this movie—very well, in fact. Tim Burton is one of Hollywood's true masters at creating off-kilter, dark, and frightening atmospheres, all while keeping it enchanting and beautiful to look at. We begin with the birth of Oswald Cobblepot, otherwise known as The Penguin—one of Batman's more goofy staple characters. Here Burton pulls off the impossible. The Penguin is literally reborn as some kind of mutated monster. We can't get a look at him for some time, but you can tell by the reaction of his parents that he must be truly terrible to behold. As the freak child grows up with an awful personality to match, his parents—their horror numbed with alcohol—drop the baby carriage into a river to be carried off. Now, how can all of this be relayed to an audience without being staggeringly unappealing? In this respect, much credit must be given to Danny Elfman's musical theme. Elfman is also a master at what he does, and that's making the truly dark and weird seem like some kind of intensely modern fairy-tale. Tim Burton and Danny Elfman complement each other in a way that is quite rare. Perhaps that's why they've made so many films together.
Years pass, and we are reintroduced to the "modern" Gotham City of the last film, which is strangely like 1950's New York City at Christmastime. Newsboys run around yelling, "Extra! Extra!" and people step out from warm-looking shops into snowy streets carrying sleds. All that's missing is a Radio Flyer red wagon.
Then, we're introduced to Max Shreck's corporation, whose logo is a rather demented-looking, rotating cat head. Inside is Selina Kyle (Michelle Pfeiffer) as a secretary, and she's got Christopher Reeve's "Clark Kent as a geek" thing firing on all cylinders. It's the kind of scene that makes one really, really lament the loss of Christopher Reeve, because Pfeiffer's acting is horrible. Really horrible. And the dialogue supplied for her is bad. Really bad. I don't know what strange curse Catwoman has on her character, but Lee Merryweather was the last one to escape it with her dignity intact.
Max Shreck is Walken's character—invented for this movie. Or, perhaps Max Shreck was the guy playing Nosferatu in that 1920's German film. Can you guess he's a bad guy? You're supposed to in T-minus 2 seconds. He thrashes Selina Kyle's dignity somehow only using cat-adjectives like "house broken", and then heads off to his press conference which will be interrupted by The Penguin. After his short saccharine speech, a 20ft tall gift box appears near the assembly leaving people to wonder, "Did I take too much acid in the 70's?" Then, an entire sideshow conglomeration of freaks pop out of the gift box to wreak the most juvenile havok imaginable. At this moment, people should become instantly aware that Joel Schumacher has been blamed far too much for destroying this movie series. For example, one of the people vandalizing the area is a sword swallower. He appears on the scene—sword inserted—which facilitates a slapstick scene where Batman draws the sword from the man's throat as part of his fight choreography. Already, this is ridiculous beyond all measure, but it also begs the questions: "What did that guy intend to do with the sword in the first place? Wouldn't a conventional sword sheath have been better, or perhaps, a goddamned gun? Why the spectacle? What could the threat possibly be: Watch out, I could stab myself to death at any moment?" When a lethargic and narcissistic lady shows up as part of the gang with a well-trimmed poodle, I reached for my remote. Watching the fight choreography at 16x was a bit more amusing. None of it contains the gravitas of the first film. It also makes you wonder why when criminal activity occurs; the police immediately default to Batman. What the heck do the cops do in this town?
Back at Schreck headquarters Selina is nosing around about one of Schreck's evil plans, and you just know what curiosity did to the cat, eh? Eh? EH? Just to digress for a moment, I TOLD you, yeah *YOU*, about Catwoman. She was a bad, bad thing. And all you could say was... well, she was hot, as if that fixed everything. Now look at Batman & Robin and all of the stupid, stupid puns we got from Poison Ivy and Mr. Freeze. Guess what? It's YOUR fault. We should have put the kibosh on the Batman pun thing right goddamned here. I mean seriously, this movie contains a scene where Catwoman repels gunfire by virtue of the fact that... she has nine lives. AHHHHH! You were all distracted by a latex-and-leather ass. Shame on you. And just for the record, that thousand-dollar bondage costume didn't help Pfeiffer look any more appealing than Julie Newmar in some black stretchy-pants and a $4 pair of cat ears. If you got the goods, you got the goods.
Anyway, Shreck attempts to kill her by flinging her through a window. Would that he worked near the top of The Empire State Building , because she unfortunately survives. She lands (not on her feet), and then strangely, cats appear everywhere and begin chewing on her body. What the crap is going on here? Who knows, but this somehow transforms the dotty secretary into the super-heroine Catwoman. It also somehow instills her with great acrobatic ability and expert knowledge in whip use. You know, to complete the look. Note also that the spike heels on the costume magically disappear whenever Catwoman's stunt-double needs to do a flip or cartwheel. I just love it when the flashy-sexy world of comic book art has a head-on collision with reality.
After much asinine digression, we get back to the infinitely more interesting Penguin. Danny Devito plays the role with imposing flair with his hollow eyes, blue teeth, and gloved flippers. He moves with a strange, vulgar grace—waddling and grunting while black spittle runs down his chin. Feasting ravenously on raw fish, he makes the best case for a man that might actually be part bird. At one point he says to Batman, "You're just jealous because I'm a real freak and you have to wear a mask!" He might be right on the money there.
One last thing, and I'm not generally one to go on about women's lib. But it has to be acknowledged that this movie paints a very negative stereotype about female secretaries. In Batman Returns , Selina Kyle is the personal assistant to Max Schreck. That makes her the executive assistant to the CEO of a huge company. That's not a bad job at all. Their salaries are anything but small, and their duties take an extraordinary amount of grace and skill to pull off. According to this movie, however, they're the bottom of the food chain.
Where oh where will Selina ever find a man? Or a decent paycheck? Is there any difference between a secretary and an administrative assistant? Would a woman with any kind of self-esteem ever stoop to such a career?
The answer to these and many other off-putting, crass generalizations will crystallize the moment Michelle Pfeiffer yanks off her glasses and, suddenly in the eyes of elitist Hollywood executives, becomes attractive.
Review by James Scotto-Lavino
OVERALL: x
(Acting: x, Plot: x, Visuals: x, Wanchy: x, WTF: x)
WTF deductions:
1) x. (x)