Constantine (2005)
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John Constantine is not your everyday “Father Damien” exorcist. We kind of get the gist when calls a possessed person, or more literally, the demon in question, an expletive. He's a damned soul himself, a suicide who was resuscitated, but not before seeing hell. In the hopes of forgiveness, he uses the last years of his cigarette-reduced life to send as many demons back to hell as he can, or deporting them, as he calls it. The rub is that if he fails, there's going to be a lot of hungry fiends waiting for him when he finally kicks the bucket. You've seen this before in b-grade police movies where a cop is trying to avoid prison for fear of running into all the goons he helped put away. It's like that, but in hell, where even Satan himself wants a piece of him.
Minimalist actor Keanu “Whoa” Reeves plays Hellblazer's titular Constantine , a role I can't fathom, except when he's punching demons in the face repeatedly. I think of all the actors that could've pulled this kind of sardonic character off, and I can't help but think Hugh Laurie from “House, M.D.” would've been perfect. Oh wait, he just punched another demon. Can Hugh Laurie punch?
The cast also includes Shia LaBeouf, who plays Chas Kramer, the Mutt Williams to Keanu's Indy, just replace the motorcycle with a crappy yellow cab. He's kind of a “wannabe” who wants to do exorcisms like daddy Keanu, but just doesn't have the wangst. He even sits in his cab playing Keanu, “The name is Kramer, Chas Kramer, ---hole”. Pruitt Taylor Vince plays Father Hennessy, a sympathetic boozing priest with big wonky eyes who reads newspapers like Daredevil on LSD, and Gavin Rossdale is Balthazar, a half-demon Jude Law who's trying to take over the Earth with the help of Satan's son, Mammon. And Satan disapproves!
Tilda Swinton plays the angel Gabriel. She is amazing as the androgynous archangel, bringing with her a very David Bowie vibe. If they make a biopic of his life, it would be almost criminal not to cast her. Jealous of God's love for humans, he conspires to bring Hell and Earth together. She's the only person in this movie with any acting chops, and it shows. She shifts from asexually hot (how is that even possible?) to downright creepy in an instant. It's truly strange to see her in this movie with such an entourage of really bad actors.
Rachel Weisz is the female lead, Detective Angela Dodson, who's investigating the death of her twin sister Isabel (also Weisz), who had the ability to see demons and was subsequently institutionalized until her alleged suicide, which Angela has on her laptop as a QuickTime loop. As a suicide, the Church won't endorse her funeral. Even considering her “metal illness”, a suicide is a suicide. This mirrors Constantine 's situation, which as Gabriel puts it, “you're ----ed”.
The side story begins in Mexico , when a man accidentally comes across the Spear of Destiny, which was hidden years ago. This is allegedly the Holy Lance, the spear used by Longinus the centurion to make sure Jesus was dead on the cross, or, at least expedite the process. This brings about an arc I can only call “Mexican Superman”, which is basically an all too brief line of hilarious chaos and death between Mexico and Los Angeles . And kills cows en masse.
Needless to say, we get treated to some entertaining “religious” paraphernalia, with the Holy Brass Knuckles and some kind of Crucifix Big F'n Gun being right at the top of the list. Warning, those expecting a “Burly Brawl” of Reeves vs. everybody, you're going to be a little disappointed.
One of my gripes with this movie is the CGI. There's a scene where Constantine fights a demon composed of crabs and bugs. It's both stupid and hilarious, like Virtual Jobe from “The Lawnmower Man”. Expertly done in other scenes- the burning landscape of Hell is phenomenally well-done. It looks like Dante's Hiroshima , and then we get a stupid “Crab Battle”. Then we'll see Gabriel's wings rendered beautifully for reference, and then see demons from a sixth grader's Dungeons and Dragons sketchbook. The possessed look like they're pregnant with demon face embryos. Inconsistency abounds!
Oh wait, we're watching a Keanu action flick. Turn your brain down a few notches and enjoy. If you liked "Dangerous Habits", you'll probably like this, if only for the Papa Midnite cameo.